


Along Came a Spider

by unquietspirit



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Arachnophobia, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Spiders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:23:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unquietspirit/pseuds/unquietspirit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny is a grown adult man who also happens to be a cop. He is definitely <em>not</em> afraid of spiders, okay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Along Came a Spider

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flubber2kool](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flubber2kool/gifts).



> Despite the subject matter, this should be fine for all but the most severe arachnophobes to read. Just don't google cane spiders.

Danny is a grown adult man who also happens to be a cop. He is definitely _not_ afraid of spiders, okay?

In fact, back before things went to hell with Rachel, it was his job to get rid of all manner of creepy crawlies, and he's still called upon to rescue Grace from daddy longlegs and those tiny black ones. Being the most sweet-hearted little girl in the world, she prefers that he escort the critters to a safe place outside rather than kill them, so he has gently cradled spiders in his bare hands on more than one occasion.

The thing on Steve's wall wouldn't fit in his hand if he _wanted_ to gently cradle it -- which he does not, thank you very much. But that doesn't mean he's afraid. Nor does the way he jumped and yelled when he saw it. It startled him, is all. One does not expect hairy brown things bigger than a can of tuna to be hanging out on one's boyfriend's bathroom wall.

He's had barely two seconds to get used to this brave new world when the bathroom door bursts inward.

"Danny! What happened? I heard you scream. Are you alright?"

"I didn't-- What are you--?! Put the gun down, Steven, for Christ's sake. I didn't scream."

"I heard you," Steve says, his eyebrows colliding in a version of Aneurysm Face that's really quite gorgeous when accompanied by his bedhead and pajama bottoms, but Danny has more pressing things to concentrate on than Steve's bare torso.

"That was a yell, okay?" he says. "Not a scream. It was a surprised yell. Now please put the gun down, or if you really feel like shooting something, shoot that." He points at the monster on the wall, which twitches one long leg in what he can only assume is the spidery equivalent of the middle finger. Yeah, fuck you too, buddy.

Steve stares at it. " _That_ is what you woke me up over?"

"What do you mean ' _that'_?" Danny demands. "Look at it! That thing's probably got enough venom in it to kill both of us and a small horse!" He approximates the size of the horse with his hands, and Steve rolls his eyes.

"Uh-huh." Before Danny can reach out to stop him, Steve has crouched down to the spider's level and rapped the butt of his gun against the wall next to it. The thing skitters sideways at lightening speed, disappearing into a crack behind the cabinet.

Danny tosses his arms up. "Oh, good. Excellent. Now we'll never get it out."

"Why would we want to?" Steve asks, looking up at him. "It's a cane spider, Danny. They're perfectly harmless to humans, they don't spin webs, and they hunt the insects you don't want in your house."

" _That thing_ is an insect I don't want in my house, Steven! Or more precisely, a house which I and my little girl -- who, by the way, is deathly afraid of spiders -- regularly visit."

"Yeah, I can see where she gets it from," Steve says, and the bastard is smirking at him. "And just FYI, spiders aren't insects."

Danny glares. "Whatever the fuck they are, I'm not afraid of them."

"No? You sure?"

"I'm sure, so you can cut it with the face. I merely don't want Grace to be traumatized."

Steve shrugs as he stands back up and finally puts the gun down on the counter. "I think Grace can handle it. She's a brave girl."

"She is." Danny nods. "I am not doubting her bravery, but she shouldn't have to be brave to go to the bathroom, is my point."

"Look, I doubt she'll even see it," Steve says. "It's been in here for months, and she hasn't yet."

" _Months?_ You let that thing live in your house for-- You do realize houses are for people, right? And maybe a dog or a cat or something, not spiders. Spiders aren't pets, Steven. Is this a SEAL thing? Do they drop you off in the wilderness and leave you without human contact for so long you'll adopt any creature happening by? Have you given the spider a name? Please, please tell me you have, because then I can chalk this up to a twisted survival technique and not you actually being insane."

And now Steve's got that goofy, fond look, the one Danny calls Adorable Face, though damned if he's ever going to tell Steve that. He steps closer and catches Danny's flailing hands in his, brings one of them to his mouth and kisses the back of his knuckles, like he's Cary Grant or some shit. Danny scowls. "Stop that."

"No, I don't think I will," Steve says, transferring his lips to the other hand. Then he draws Danny's thumb into his mouth and sucks on it, hard enough to make his cheeks hollow.

Danny recognizes a diversionary tactic when he sees one, okay? Especially when it's Steve's favorite diversionary tactic next to lobbing a grenade. "I was in the middle of berating you here."

Steve grins around his thumb. "You can keep berating me. I like it."

With a long-suffering sigh, Danny shoves his free hand into Steve's chest and pushes him backwards out the door, because this is _not_ happening where that hairy monster can watch. "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to talk with your mouth full, you Neanderthal?" he grumbles.

"S'not full yet," Steve says, waggling his eyebrows in a way that should make Danny want to hit him.

"I hate you so much," he says as he lets Steve pull him down onto the bed.

 

The subject of the spider doesn't come up again until that night, while they're sitting with Chin and Kono on the lanai watching yet another breathtaking Hawaiian sunset over the water.

After they'd gotten out of bed for the second time, Danny had puttered around the house for most of the day, feeling a little empty like he always does on weekends when he doesn't have Grace and Steve isn't providing a distraction by inventing new ways to almost get them both killed in the pursuit of great justice. Steve had given him a knowing look when he lost interest in watching the game and then invited the other two members of Five-0 over for steaks and beer. It's not the same without Grace, but it's nice.

"So I'm heading out for my morning swim, and I hear this screech, like ' _AHHHHHH!_ '" Steve says, sounding like a little old lady being mugged.

"That is not how I sounded!"

"It is."

Kono and Chin nod, taking his word for it. Danny hates them all.

"I grab my piece and run in there, thinking someone's broken in again or something," Steve continues, "and guess what it was?"

"What?" Kono asks, leaning forward in her chair and grinning. Chin takes a long pull of his beer as Steve stretches out the dramatic pause until Danny's about to tell them himself.

"A cane spider!" he says, finally. "He was quaking in his boxers over a harmless little--"

" _Little?!_ And I was not quaking! I was surprised!"

"--cane spider. He thought it was venomous and about to attack him."

"That is called sensible caution, Steven. Something you obviously know nothing about," Danny says, but Kono has already burst into laughter and Chin is doing his kind of silent chuckle thing.

"Gotta be careful of those cane spiders," he says. "Never know when they'll decide _not_ to be terrified of humans."

Danny crosses his arms over his chest. "Yeah, okay, make fun of the haole. That thing is still not staying in the bathroom."

"You said I could keep it if I named it!" Steve protests, and Danny stares at him because _what?_

"No, I didn't. That's a blatant misrepresentation of what I said. It's even what I might call a lie, you lying liar."

"Aww," Kono says, finally getting her giggles under control, "let him keep it, Danny. He'll feed it and take it for walks and everything, won't you, Boss?"

"I promise I will, Mom," Steve says earnestly.

"Call it Ned," Chin suggests. "Short for 'arachnid.'"

Danny points at him. "You are supposed to be the other adult here, Chin Ho Kelly. You're not helping."

"C'mooon, let me keep Ned," Steve honest-to-god whines. "If Grace says it's okay?"

Well, Danny can't very well say no to that, not without admitting his reticence is about more than protecting Grace. But he's fairly confident she'll be terrified by the very idea and Steve will feel so guilty for scaring her he'll kill the thing with his bare hands, so he says, "Fine, _if_ Grace says you can, you can."

Steve grins like he's already won.

 

The next weekend, after explaining that cane spiders don't hurt people, Steve takes Grace into the bathroom, where the thing is lurking in its favorite spot. Danny stands in the doorway, fully expecting her to shriek and run into his arms.

"What do you think of Ned, Gracie?" Steve asks.

Grace looks at it for a long moment, and then up at Steve, who has his hand on her shoulder. "He's furry," she says.

"Yeah, he is," Steve agrees. "He'd probably get scared if you tried to pet him, though." Danny shudders at the thought.

She looks at the spider again, considering. "I like him."

"You sure, Monkey?" Danny asks, taken aback. "You don't have to say so just for Uncle Steve, you know."

Grace rolls her eyes at him -- and he's going to have to talk to her about that; it's getting to be too much of a habit -- and says, "Ned's _cute_ , Danno."

Danny raises his eyebrows. "Cute?"

"Cute," Steve says decisively. Obviously, he's a bad influence on Grace, but she does seem to actually be comfortable with Ned ( _the spider_ , Danny corrects himself, because there's no way he's going to start referring to it by name), so he'll have to live with it.

Might not be so bad, anyway. He already moved to Hawaii for her, and -- giant monsters in the bathroom and pineapple pizza aside -- that turned out better than he'd expected.


End file.
